This gets to be the "not good enough" post, because somebody had to write it, might as well be me. It's not good enough to be noble in this day and age, your job is love. Don't confuse the two, or try to wrangle in anymore virtues to just prove your devotion to something bigger than your own world.
Um, okay. Too earnest? Is that a character or an adjective, because I took it as a verb. A stinging verb to put me back in my place where I belong. I'm too sensitive to read into things, I should stop.
Luckily, I know the skidmarks that left that, and would never attribute them to all the other evidence I've sowed. So many meaningful coincidences and on purposes, I know. I've always known. Feel lucky in fact, why wouldn't I know?
I don't know why I'm so lucky, I've lost every lucky charm I've ever owned. But, I believe totally in the gift of the giver, the heart of the soul that I know. So yes, I know.
And I breathe it.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
I want to own my patterns
Every failed relationship I've had in my life has ended with one choice. I'm left to take responsibility for my every part in contaminating it, and given zero feedback or closure from the other person, I must fill in my own gaps. It's not good communication, and not the pattern of the good relationships in my life, which are my only saving grace.
This situation has only happened twice, with my mom and my sister, who somehow gain by pointing their fingers at me and reassuringly agree with each other, "yes, it's all you." That's not true, it's impossible for one person to destroy a whole relationship, and I'm leaving out all the heartbreak it took to even realize that, on my own. I can't imagine what purpose it serves to leave things unresolved, still.
My sister concluded about me, either I'm angry or I hate her, neither's actually true. I just feel I was misled that an actual relationship existed, the time spent not knowing each other explained away by mere chance, not intention. And, I never got the chance to know my niece and my nephews. It complicated her family's dynamic, I was supposed to understand that. I kind of do.
Since then, I've been focusing so hard on just raising a good family, deciding if nothing else is accomplished on this earth, at least I gave them my best. I'd see my fruits eventually, had the clear conscience of uninterrupted pure intention, that's always been my dedication, I hadn't messed up. Not even once.
That's all I needed from my life, the knowledge of having no regret. Everything else seemed taken care of by grace, by prayer, by whatever. So this giant hiccup in my understanding of my own nature, I just can't be left there. I need to know which parts were mine and which parts are yours. It's the only way I can regain my clear vision, the only way I'll ever move forward.
This situation has only happened twice, with my mom and my sister, who somehow gain by pointing their fingers at me and reassuringly agree with each other, "yes, it's all you." That's not true, it's impossible for one person to destroy a whole relationship, and I'm leaving out all the heartbreak it took to even realize that, on my own. I can't imagine what purpose it serves to leave things unresolved, still.
My sister concluded about me, either I'm angry or I hate her, neither's actually true. I just feel I was misled that an actual relationship existed, the time spent not knowing each other explained away by mere chance, not intention. And, I never got the chance to know my niece and my nephews. It complicated her family's dynamic, I was supposed to understand that. I kind of do.
Since then, I've been focusing so hard on just raising a good family, deciding if nothing else is accomplished on this earth, at least I gave them my best. I'd see my fruits eventually, had the clear conscience of uninterrupted pure intention, that's always been my dedication, I hadn't messed up. Not even once.
That's all I needed from my life, the knowledge of having no regret. Everything else seemed taken care of by grace, by prayer, by whatever. So this giant hiccup in my understanding of my own nature, I just can't be left there. I need to know which parts were mine and which parts are yours. It's the only way I can regain my clear vision, the only way I'll ever move forward.
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